a season of thanks

this year, i want to thank you for loving me at my very worst. thank you for all the home-cooked meals and fresh-baked goods. thank you for making the effort to keep in touch, even when we're miles apart. thank you for choosing to have me in your life, for the long nights, filling my life with laughter, for making my fights yours, being there for the tears, without judgment. i'm thankful that ya'll are in good health, and for allowing me to offer strength, when you've needed it most. thank you for always providing me with a travel buddy, when this city becomes too much. thank you for being my family, the siblings i never had, and for taking the time to read the words i'm always writing, my letters to you.

and i'm so thankful that for another year, i had you all in my life. and i pray, i will see another full year with all of you.

this year, i'm working on accepting those things for which i cannot change, working on accepting the choices of others, and learning that i can't fight to keep myself in your life, that i shouldn't have to fight for that. but know this, if you ever decide you need me, i guess i'll always be here.

"Why do you still read my blog?"

I knew I wasn't going to receive an answer. Not a tangible one anyway. Somewhere over the course of the past year, you'd decided we were no longer going to even politely acknowledge each other. But there you were, every other week, showing up in my Google Analytics statistics. You were the only one I could track on that thing.

"I think he still reads my blog. I don't understand why. He won't even acknowledge my presence."

"How do you know?"

"I track it. But maybe it's not him. Maybe someone else who works at the NRA really likes it."


I probably shouldn't have asked you about it. You've stopped coming by. Perhaps that's for the best. Is it weird though. That a part of me was comforted by the fact that, maybe, you still cared. Even though you refused to let anyone know that.

But. Here we are. Of my own doing.

Hello Thirty: Some Parting Words

On the eve of my thirtieth birthday, and I'm not where I thought I would be at this moment in my life. I didn't think that I would've spent a better part of my twenties as a waitress, a hostess, a bartender, an executive assistant. I didn't foresee how difficult my professional pursuits were going to be. And I certainly did not foresee that somehow time would become circular, and I would still love you as I did 16 years ago. With this said, goals and accomplishments shouldn't be measured against time or that of others. And sometimes, you'll say what you think, and you'll say how you feel, and it won't be received well. But I take nothing back. Maybe that's my biggest weakness.

Do everything in moderation, even things you love. Balance is vital. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not capable of something, even your closest friends. But about them, they're the ones who got out of bed at 3 a.m. to drive into the city to pick me up because I was stranded, the ones who came over to sit with me when I couldn't stop crying, the ones who fed me when I was broke, the ones who didn't judge me for making out with some super unfortunate men, or for an array of other embarrassing moments, and for all of this, I wouldn't have survived my twenties without you.
 
Love your parents. Make time for them. Even when it's hard. Even when you have nothing to talk about. They're not going to be around forever. When given the choice between traveling or not. Always, go. Always. I promise, you will not regret this. Home will always be here.

For what it's worth, senza rimpianti.

On.

LOVE.
When I was 13 and going through those incredibly awkward years (that I'm sure I never entirely grew out of), my biggest fear was that no boy was ever going to like me, much less fall in love with me. Fast forward a decade and some later, and I learned the harder truth, sometimes love isn't enough. Just because you love someone, it doesn't necessarily mean that a relationship will work. It was like, of course, Life, thanks for that.

The thing about love is, it's so rare to find, that when you find someone you love, and they feel the same, you have to show them every single day. Relationships are work, and that's part of it. If you're one of the few to find this thing called love, why would you not care for it?

SELF-WORTH.
KNOW YOUR OWN WORTH. Because if you don't value yourself, no one else will. As important as loving someone else is, the person you're supposed to love first and foremost is yourself. Because no one else is going to do it for you. People will often treat you how you let them. If you allow someone to treat you with disrespect, they will continue to. If you allow someone to be hurtful to you, they will continue to. Because YOU allowed it. Sure, people shouldn't do shitty things and they shouldn't be shitty, but the truth is sometimes they just are.

HATING.
You won't always like everyone, and that's perfectly fine. You shouldn't. It's not natural. There's always going to be someone out there who's going to bother you or irritate you or get you worked up. And talking about it every once in awhile is fine, but do not let it consume you. Don't follow them on Instagram; take them off your Facebook Newsfeed if you're unfortunately already Friends. Don't waste your energy on them.

WANT.
You choose the life you want. Aside from death, you pretty much have a choice about everything else. So many people spend their time talking about how they want this or that, but because of their own circumstance, it's not possible, they'll say. But it's not circumstance, it's choice. If you want something enough, you will figure out how, you will make the sacrifices, and you will put in the time and work to make it happen. I live my life on a string of music festivals and flights out west. I don't have more money than you. I've just made a different choice.


The former years.

"She's not even cute. I don't understand," she'd said, showing me a blurry photograph off Instagram.
"It's not about looks," I had said. There was nothing I could say that would make anything better.

I always used to say, it made me feel better when the last guy I was with moved on with someone who wasn't very fortunate looking. I could say, well at least I have that. And hopefully her personality would be terrible as well. That would be even better. But really, none of it matters, none of it really makes you feel any better because at the end of the day, they're with someone else.

I don't know what it's about. I don't know why we move on in the ways that we do, or why we "upgrade" or "downgrade" for lack of better phrases. All I know is, everything kind of works out the way it's supposed to, the way it has to. And some of the outcomes will be unpleasant, and we're not going to like it. Sometimes our greatest fears are realized.

But I don't know. Whatever happens after you were with someone, none of that discounts what you had while you were together. It's just, this is how it is now.

You make a series of decisions, and sometimes, this is where the story goes.

But your story's not over. It's just a hard bump in the road, you just have to get through. Work on yourself, don't mind others, and things will get better. I know this much.