at christmas you tell the truth
it was a hard year without you.

too much

What right do I have?

That's what usually makes everything feel null and void.

It's been over a year and I still feel it. I feel everything, and I don't know why.

You're interested in someone new. That's not supposed to be big news or even out of the ordinary. It's been a year, and I left you.

But somehow it is. Somehow it hits in the gut like an unexpected wave, and there's nowhere else to go.

You have to let the past go. You have to let it go. You have to.

Sometimes memories will replay in my mind like a bad film. A bad reel. Over and over. None of the good parts, just the bad ones. And I don't know why. I can't sleep on those nights.

Sometimes I miss you so much it hurts.

Sometimes I remember the way, the way you used to talk to me and the way you used to make me feel and how badly and how hard it all was.

"It's never supposed to be that hard," she'd said.

To be with someone and cry yourself to sleep over this or that.

It wasn't supposed to go that way.

It was so hard to leave you.  It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

How long is it going to take?

5 years maybe, she said.

Fuck that, I'd said.

You are such a good person.  You've always had such a good heart.  Why was that not enough?

And then there was everything else. Why would you ever lie? I couldn't get over it. I couldn't.