the loss

the loss of a friend was always the hardest part. maybe that's why i could never commit to anyone. i hated losing people so much. i could count the number of friends lost to anger or hurt on one hand. that was it. i never lost people. to commit to someone meant it might end, which meant, there might be a loss at the end of that because what else could there be? maybe one day we'll be okay. maybe one day we'll be friends again.

but we all know. how that story goes. we'll move on. we'll change. we'll grow. and we'll soon, to each other, merely become people we used to know. because other things will have happened in the meanwhile, things neither will have been a part of. and we won't be the same people anymore. and even after the hurt and anger has relented. after the tears have ceased. after the missing goes away. after things no longer really remind you of them. you'll lose that need. that need to have them in your life, and you will relent. you'll accept. that sometimes, some people are only meant to be in your lives for certain periods. and we move on.

only rarely, does the friendship come around again. only rarely.

It usually doesn't rain in southern California

And I've been thinking about forever.

At almost twenty-eight, I often can't believe how fast time passes, and how much happens. A reminder that you do eventually get over everything, sometimes old friends and old lovers simply become people you used to know, and somehow it's okay. I've learned that sometimes love is not enough for everything else, and though letting go is the hardest thing, for in the those moments when you can't help but miss everyone and every place you used to love so deeply, it's one of the things we must find the strength and courage for. Ultimately, the choices I make today, will alter the course of this life, and it's never going to be too late to get things right.



the former years

"The future is only an indifferent void no one cares about, but the past is filled with life, and its countenance is irritating, repellent, wounding, to the point that we want to destroy or repaint it. we want to be masters of the future only for the power to change the past." - Milan Kundera

At twenty-one, I learned the reality of the ever-long cliche of broken hearts, emotions heightened to anger, hate, bitterness and regret without sacrifice, without discretion: it was what it was.

At twenty-two, I learned the price of self-worth and perhaps the most difficult things in life are the truths for which we cannot control: time, cancer, the choices of others.

At twenty-three, I learned the reality and repercussions of the choices we choose to make, the price of momentary desires.

At twenty-four, I learned some things are never meant to be reconciled: perhaps it's not whether someone else will forgive you for your actions, but rather if you can forgive yourself.

At twenty-five, I learned there's no shortage of dreamers, but those who choose to pursue those dreams are few. And those who choose to muddle on in pursuit, even after time and trials fail, are even further between.

At twenty-six, I learned people will often tell you, sometimes settling is the only option, and sometimes, there's nothing you can do to right a wrong, and sometimes, people won't forgive you, and sometimes, you will forget that you wanted more out of this life, out of the people you adore, and you'll settle for merely what everyone's told you is possible, and not what you know is possible.

At twenty-seven, I learned how hard it is to let someone love you, how hard it is sometimes to live this life right by yourself, by others, and how, even when we should know better, sometimes, sometimes it's not enough. And in moments when I want to settle, when I simply want to give up, how vital it is that I remember what all of this was for. I'm learning, it seems, the older I get, the more blurred the lines between right and wrong become, and the harder it is to believe anything is possible. But there are still those moments that take my breathe away, a kind word from a stranger, an unusual note of affection from a friend. And the weight of belief, the weight of faith, and for everything we can't control, how living is the essence, it's the only thing we have control over.

Suffering from a delayed reaction on life, consistently romanticizing the past, disaffected with the future and an inability to care for the present.

sometimes you'll cross my mind and tears will well up in my eyes and it makes not much sense considering the time we didn't really know each other but i guess i'm sensitive to this kind of thing.

We weren't friends, not by the real definition of the word. We'd only met on a few occasions, and had one real conversation, at this little coffee shop by Logan Circle. It was windy and sunny that day. You talked a lot, you told me a lot, and you were so excited about... everything. The latest project you were working on, ideas you had, a food truck with your brother, visiting your girlfriend in Italy. You wanted to talk about everything. You weren't the most articulate, but you had passion.

When he told me, he was still in shock. I started to cry. But he said, if he wasn't crying, then I couldn't.

I don't know what happened. Most of us don't. But at the very least, we can say this, you lived. More than most people do in an entire life time. And you were loved and talked about. I heard more about you from your friends prior to meeting you than I've ever heard of anyone else. They called you Du Ma, for reasons that've slipped my mind. When we met, I had to ask you again, what your real name was. They said you were this great chef. That during a period of unemployment, you spent a month drinking with another friend who was unemployed. That your drink of choice was Jameson, but you guys had to switch to Wild Turkey because you both were too broke. That you'd managed to move to Singapore to cook. That you always managed to make the things you wanted, happen.

Rest in peace.

Ronald: "'I want, I want, I want', well that makes her an interesting character Ally. When you print your life story, I will be waiting in line atthe bookstore, but for a partner? I don't know if I want to sign up with a person who knows she'll be wanting forever."

Ronald: "That's just you all over, the day you stop wanting Ally is the day you begin to die. You go through people, you'll go through me.

Ally: "That's just so, so..."

Ronald: "...True."

Ally: "You're saying I'm the kind of person that can never be happy?"

Ronald: "I think you'll know more happiness than most. You just won't be content."

Ally McBeal

"You're like a full time job and I had to go through 1000 interviews."