I'm unhappy.

Really wondering if I'm made for this.





.

I could use a crutch. I'm tired of standing on my own.

Red eye flights across Europe

Beyonce's Halo remind me of flights across eastern Europe. I developed a fear of flying last year, simply because I figured with all the flights I'd been taking, my odds of dying were higher. The only comfort I took was listening to music as the plane would take off.

I can't remember the last time I hated week days so much. And then I thought, this is what it's like. To wait for the weeks to pass so you can reach the weekends and the holidays. And then I thought, life shouldn't be like this. Because when it's good, when it's really good, you don't want any days to pass any faster than they do.


I'm not sure if it's sad or what. I used to romanticize airports. When I was younger, I used to love flying. I even liked airplane food, but then again, the food probably was better in those days. And now though I still love everything that they represent, I equate travel to my fear of losing this life.


Getting older never fared well with me.

Taking only what you need from it

We were sitting outside this coffee shop in Vienna yesterday. Jammin Java has the best cappuccino I've had since Italy.

But we were nonchalantly talking about death. And Angela and I wondered, what if one of us passed, how would we want our friends to mourn. What would we want out of them. And it was odd because it was just as if we were discussing any other topic because of course, we didn't really think that any one of us would pass any time in the near future. But we've also never really had this conversation before.

We're not old, but we are pretty much grown. As much as we'd hate to admit it, as much as our lives beg to differ from a real grown ups. or the usual definition anyway.

And at this time, mortality starts to get realer.

People die. And I will lose a friend or a parent or a relative one of these days, or I may go. And though we'll never be able to prepare ourselves for it, it's terrifying that this is what real life is about.

The crazies have all the fun.

"What if we got everything we ever wanted," she asked.

I'm a walking archive of past conversations, e-mails, photographs, videos. Conversation in fits of anger, photographs in moments of unbearable laughter, videos bringing back heartache.




I'm getting off the board after this last round, accepting defeat.


Thanks for playing.

Terminal.

A Fine Frenzy - "Almost Lover" remix from mgcs518 on Vimeo.

I don't know how long I can last here before I suffocate.

I'm probably going to go to hell for the things I say about people.


But hey, like Justin said the other day, "I don't want my friends to be lonely."

non posso dimenticarvi